2013-07-16
Original: 2013-07-16 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
A riff on Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First?" routine between two men in old-fashioned suits and bowler hats. One man (the "Costello" figure) grows increasingly distressed; the other (the "Abbott" figure) stays calm.
Abbott figure: BASEBALL PLAYERS SURE HAVE A LOTTA FUNNY NAMES THESE DAYS.
Costello figure: THEY SURE DO.
Costello figure: TAY SUNG'S ON FIRST.
Abbott figure: THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKIN' YOU!
Costello figure: HENDERSON.
Abbott figure: I'M SAYIN' HENDERSON'S ON FIRST?
Costello figure: I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HENDERSON HENDERSON'S ON FIRST?
Abbott figure: EXACTLY.
Abbott figure: WHO? WHO? WHO? I JUST WANNA KNOW WHO'S ON FIRST!
Costello figure: DEREK HENDERSON. HENRIK OR COSTELLO. ARE YOU OKAY?
Abbott figure: JUST TELL ME WHO'S ON SECOND!
Costello figure: MENDOZA.
Abbott figure: I SAID WHO'S ON SECOND!?
Costello figure: MENDOZA.
Abbott figure: THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKIN' YOU! I DON'T UNDERSTAND COSTELLO.
Costello figure: I JUST WANNA KNOW WHO'S ON SECOND. NO. NAME IS JUAN MENDOZA AND HE PLAYS SECOND BASE.
Abbott figure: WHO! WHO! WHO! ... AND HE PLAYS SECOND BASE.
Costello figure: WHAT'S THE MATTER? COSTELLO, YOU'RE SCARING ME.
Abbott figure: I'LL BE FINE, IF YOU TELL ME WHO'S ON FIRST!
Costello figure: OF COURSE, HENDERSON.
Abbott figure: WHO! WHO! WHO!
Costello figure: D-DEREK HENDERSON. HE SIGNED YOUR BAT LAST YEAR. YOU WERE SO HAPPY, HENDERSON.
Abbott figure: THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKIN' YOU!
Costello figure: CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO FOLLOW MY FINGER WITH YOUR EYE?
(Final wide panel: a hospital scene at night, the two now revealed as doctors/medical staff around a patient.)
Caption / dialogue: CEREBRAL HEMORRHAGE. IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.
Votey: A simply-drawn woman with glasses looks down with an annoyed expression. Speech bubble: "YOU'RE HORRIBLE." A child with curly hair peeks up from below the foreground.
Abbott figure: BASEBALL PLAYERS SURE HAVE A LOTTA FUNNY NAMES THESE DAYS.
Costello figure: THEY SURE DO.
Costello figure: TAY SUNG'S ON FIRST.
Abbott figure: THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKIN' YOU!
Costello figure: HENDERSON.
Abbott figure: I'M SAYIN' HENDERSON'S ON FIRST?
Costello figure: I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HENDERSON HENDERSON'S ON FIRST?
Abbott figure: EXACTLY.
Abbott figure: WHO? WHO? WHO? I JUST WANNA KNOW WHO'S ON FIRST!
Costello figure: DEREK HENDERSON. HENRIK OR COSTELLO. ARE YOU OKAY?
Abbott figure: JUST TELL ME WHO'S ON SECOND!
Costello figure: MENDOZA.
Abbott figure: I SAID WHO'S ON SECOND!?
Costello figure: MENDOZA.
Abbott figure: THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKIN' YOU! I DON'T UNDERSTAND COSTELLO.
Costello figure: I JUST WANNA KNOW WHO'S ON SECOND. NO. NAME IS JUAN MENDOZA AND HE PLAYS SECOND BASE.
Abbott figure: WHO! WHO! WHO! ... AND HE PLAYS SECOND BASE.
Costello figure: WHAT'S THE MATTER? COSTELLO, YOU'RE SCARING ME.
Abbott figure: I'LL BE FINE, IF YOU TELL ME WHO'S ON FIRST!
Costello figure: OF COURSE, HENDERSON.
Abbott figure: WHO! WHO! WHO!
Costello figure: D-DEREK HENDERSON. HE SIGNED YOUR BAT LAST YEAR. YOU WERE SO HAPPY, HENDERSON.
Abbott figure: THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKIN' YOU!
Costello figure: CAN YOU PLEASE TRY TO FOLLOW MY FINGER WITH YOUR EYE?
(Final wide panel: a hospital scene at night, the two now revealed as doctors/medical staff around a patient.)
Caption / dialogue: CEREBRAL HEMORRHAGE. IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.
Votey: A simply-drawn woman with glasses looks down with an annoyed expression. Speech bubble: "YOU'RE HORRIBLE." A child with curly hair peeks up from below the foreground.
Alt text
A tall, black-and-white SMBC comic that turns Abbott and Costello's classic "Who's on First?" baseball routine into a dark medical scene. Two men in old-timey suits and bowler hats talk; one (the "Abbott" figure) keeps frantically shouting "WHO? WHO? WHO?" and demanding to know "who's on first" and "who's on second," while the other (the "Costello" figure) calmly answers with player names like Henderson and Juan Mendoza. As the panels progress, the questioning man's distress escalates and the answering man grows worried, saying "You're scaring me" and "Derek Henderson, he signed your bat last year, you were so happy." Finally he asks, "Can you please try to follow my finger with your eye?" The last wide panel reveals a dark hospital room with the patient in a bed, and a caption: "Cerebral hemorrhage. It doesn't look good." The joke: the repetitive "who's on first" confusion was actually a stroke victim's neurological symptoms, not a comedy bit. Below, a small bonus panel (the votey) shows a simply drawn woman with glasses looking down with disapproval, saying "You're horrible," while a curly-haired child peeks up from the bottom of the frame.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.