2013-05-15
Original: 2013-05-15 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (a brightly lit dance hall / prom scene with couples dancing, streamers overhead, and uniformed police officers among the crowd; two loudspeaker announcement bubbles are heard):
Loudspeaker announcement (left): "PLEASE REWIND/ADVANCE TO OTHERS' TRIAL QUEUES ... BUT WE RECEIVED REPORTS OF AN UNINTENTIONAL BONER."
Loudspeaker announcement (right): "PLEASE FREEZE IN YOUR CURRENT POSITION. WE'RE LOOKING FOR [someone] WHO IS STANDING AN AWKWARD DISTANCE AWAY FROM THEIR DANCE PARTNER. IF ANYONE SEES SUCH A [person], REPORT IT..."
Panel 2 (a police officer reacts):
Officer: "JACKPOT!"
Panel 3 (a red-haired young man, embarrassed, hands raised near a young woman):
Young man: "I'M INNOCENT!"
Panel 4 (the officer, pointing):
Officer: "DON'T MAKE THIS HARDER THAN IT NEEDS TO BE, SON."
Panel 5 (the officer shouting, against a red background):
Officer: "GRAB HIM!"
Panel 6 (the red-haired young man, frightened, gesturing):
Young man: "YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE! WE'LL FIND YOU! WE'LL FIND YOU IN A TRUCK WITH A BOOK OVER YOUR LAP! OR IN A MASSAGE TABLE BURIED TO YOUR CHEST! IN A SWIMMING POOL PRETENDING YOU'D LIKE TO STAY IN FOR A FEW MORE MINUTES!"
Panel 7 (officers closing in around him):
(no dialogue)
Panel 8 (the young man backed against a chain-link fence, shouting):
Young man: "STAY AWAY! I'M A MAN, DAMMIT! A MANNNN!"
Panel 9 (an officer leans in, menacing, red background):
Officer: "WE KNOW EVERYONE FROM KINDERGARTEN EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE."
Panel 10 (the young man, sad/resigned):
Young man: "BUT 'REX' IS INTO MY DISCONFIRM BASE! WHOM CAN USE IT IF I CAN GAME AND TUCK?"
Panel 11 (the officer leaning over him, contemptuous):
Officer: "YOU'RE A REAL PIECE OF WORK, KID."
Votey:
Panel (a woman speaking to a man, plain black-and-white):
Woman: "HOW DO THEY LET YOU DO THIS FOR A LIVING?"
Man (looking down, weary): "SHH. THEY'RE CRAZY."
Loudspeaker announcement (left): "PLEASE REWIND/ADVANCE TO OTHERS' TRIAL QUEUES ... BUT WE RECEIVED REPORTS OF AN UNINTENTIONAL BONER."
Loudspeaker announcement (right): "PLEASE FREEZE IN YOUR CURRENT POSITION. WE'RE LOOKING FOR [someone] WHO IS STANDING AN AWKWARD DISTANCE AWAY FROM THEIR DANCE PARTNER. IF ANYONE SEES SUCH A [person], REPORT IT..."
Panel 2 (a police officer reacts):
Officer: "JACKPOT!"
Panel 3 (a red-haired young man, embarrassed, hands raised near a young woman):
Young man: "I'M INNOCENT!"
Panel 4 (the officer, pointing):
Officer: "DON'T MAKE THIS HARDER THAN IT NEEDS TO BE, SON."
Panel 5 (the officer shouting, against a red background):
Officer: "GRAB HIM!"
Panel 6 (the red-haired young man, frightened, gesturing):
Young man: "YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE! WE'LL FIND YOU! WE'LL FIND YOU IN A TRUCK WITH A BOOK OVER YOUR LAP! OR IN A MASSAGE TABLE BURIED TO YOUR CHEST! IN A SWIMMING POOL PRETENDING YOU'D LIKE TO STAY IN FOR A FEW MORE MINUTES!"
Panel 7 (officers closing in around him):
(no dialogue)
Panel 8 (the young man backed against a chain-link fence, shouting):
Young man: "STAY AWAY! I'M A MAN, DAMMIT! A MANNNN!"
Panel 9 (an officer leans in, menacing, red background):
Officer: "WE KNOW EVERYONE FROM KINDERGARTEN EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE."
Panel 10 (the young man, sad/resigned):
Young man: "BUT 'REX' IS INTO MY DISCONFIRM BASE! WHOM CAN USE IT IF I CAN GAME AND TUCK?"
Panel 11 (the officer leaning over him, contemptuous):
Officer: "YOU'RE A REAL PIECE OF WORK, KID."
Votey:
Panel (a woman speaking to a man, plain black-and-white):
Woman: "HOW DO THEY LET YOU DO THIS FOR A LIVING?"
Man (looking down, weary): "SHH. THEY'RE CRAZY."
Alt text
A tall, mostly full-color SMBC comic set at what looks like a dance or prom. In the first wide panel, couples dance under streamers in a hall while uniformed police officers mingle in the crowd; two overhead loudspeaker announcements crackle in, the legible parts asking everyone to freeze and report anyone 'standing an awkward distance away from their dance partner.' A police officer cries 'JACKPOT!' A nervous red-haired young man raises his hands and protests 'I'M INNOCENT!' The officer warns 'DON'T MAKE THIS HARDER THAN IT NEEDS TO BE, SON,' then against a red background shouts 'GRAB HIM!' The frightened young man rattles off a panicked monologue ('YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE! WE'LL FIND YOU...'), gets surrounded by officers, and is backed against a chain-link fence yelling 'STAY AWAY! I'M A MAN, DAMMIT! A MANNNN!' An officer leans in menacingly and says they know exactly what he is; the young man pleads in garbled, mixed-up phrasing, and the officer sneers 'YOU'RE A REAL PIECE OF WORK, KID' — treating socially awkward behavior like a hunted crime. The bonus votey panel is a simple black-and-white drawing: a woman asks a tired-looking man, 'HOW DO THEY LET YOU DO THIS FOR A LIVING?' and he replies quietly, 'SHH. THEY'RE CRAZY.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.