2013-03-01
Original: 2013-03-01 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Caption: The moon was opened for colonists.
Caption: But it was prohibitively expensive.
Advertisement: WHAT A DEAL!!! Available now in Plait's Gulch. 1 bedroom 1 bath, $10,000,000/month + 7 years labor.
Caption: Historically, colonists came from many backgrounds in search of cheap resources.
A man with flame-like hair: Huzzah! I hear the gulch don't shake our notion of property rights.
Another man: Free land!
Caption: The moon colonies were populated almost entirely by space libertarian studio contests.
Woman: The moon was anarchy until I shot the bank teller. So I won.
Man: I'm hannibalda. Until I got the bar room ticket in it.
Caption: Almost nobody initially enters these contests, so the first many people whine rather unique.
Man with flame-like hair: I guess we should tend the gardens?
Woman: Wait, wait. We don't do nothing? It's possible. Let's get really lucky and the garden will tend itself.
Caption: Conditions degraded rapidly.
Man with flame-like hair: No comment at this time.
Caption: But a new form of advertising was discovered.
Woman: We believe these citizens of the lunar anarchy who start their day with a healthy block of varberns will survive longest, and we're sending these cameras and a news worth of liberties to prove it.
Caption: Once they continued, supply of food was tied to military prowess. The colony separated into brutal factions.
Woman: I claim this sector for ourselves! 'Urban's favorite meat and starch slurry!'
Caption: Unable to win on product quality alone, the companies started developing weapons.
Man: How'd you get a chunk on God? Did you tag bell slaughter guns? Tell me! Tell me before I die!
Other figure: The bell tower is free, mother fucker.
Caption: Eventually it was realized that the war itself was more valuable than victory.
Man in suit: I'm proud to announce that this month's every happy meal will have an action figure brutally pummeling the freedom-hating monarchists over at Burger King. Collect 'em all!
Caption: As lunar colonists' green firepower in the ways of war, earthlings drew far and wide in a new craze for fast food.
Woman on TV: Aw! Look at those idiots fighting for food.
Caption: The earthling as inevitable as it was, shut. People of Earth! We have seized your government, and soon we will have your armies, resources, and sextoys!
Man: No comment at this time.
Caption: The rebellion was as inevitable as it was, shut. People of Earth! We have seized your government, and soon we will have your armies, resources, and sextoys!
Caption: But the earthlings were as far gone, they viewed the devastation as entertainment.
Woman: Aw, c'mon! Are these idiots killing me.
Caption: The invaders were so disgusted, eventually they just left.
Man: I want to parents with a sock when I use it. But I'm being disgusted until I saw big mac's lord as a pizza topping.
Caption: I mean, they have a way of disgusting society now!
Man with flame-like hair: Let us reject Earth's aid and build a nation based on equality and honor.
Caption: But I don't really care.
Woman: It sounds boring.
Man with flame-like hair: But why don't we continue our duty to find the smallest drop of matter humans will risk for —
Woman: My their people are so pathetic!
Votey: A wide-eyed, disheveled figure with a frazzled expression holds up a hand. A large speech balloon reads "KILL ME" and a small one reads "HUH".
Caption: But it was prohibitively expensive.
Advertisement: WHAT A DEAL!!! Available now in Plait's Gulch. 1 bedroom 1 bath, $10,000,000/month + 7 years labor.
Caption: Historically, colonists came from many backgrounds in search of cheap resources.
A man with flame-like hair: Huzzah! I hear the gulch don't shake our notion of property rights.
Another man: Free land!
Caption: The moon colonies were populated almost entirely by space libertarian studio contests.
Woman: The moon was anarchy until I shot the bank teller. So I won.
Man: I'm hannibalda. Until I got the bar room ticket in it.
Caption: Almost nobody initially enters these contests, so the first many people whine rather unique.
Man with flame-like hair: I guess we should tend the gardens?
Woman: Wait, wait. We don't do nothing? It's possible. Let's get really lucky and the garden will tend itself.
Caption: Conditions degraded rapidly.
Man with flame-like hair: No comment at this time.
Caption: But a new form of advertising was discovered.
Woman: We believe these citizens of the lunar anarchy who start their day with a healthy block of varberns will survive longest, and we're sending these cameras and a news worth of liberties to prove it.
Caption: Once they continued, supply of food was tied to military prowess. The colony separated into brutal factions.
Woman: I claim this sector for ourselves! 'Urban's favorite meat and starch slurry!'
Caption: Unable to win on product quality alone, the companies started developing weapons.
Man: How'd you get a chunk on God? Did you tag bell slaughter guns? Tell me! Tell me before I die!
Other figure: The bell tower is free, mother fucker.
Caption: Eventually it was realized that the war itself was more valuable than victory.
Man in suit: I'm proud to announce that this month's every happy meal will have an action figure brutally pummeling the freedom-hating monarchists over at Burger King. Collect 'em all!
Caption: As lunar colonists' green firepower in the ways of war, earthlings drew far and wide in a new craze for fast food.
Woman on TV: Aw! Look at those idiots fighting for food.
Caption: The earthling as inevitable as it was, shut. People of Earth! We have seized your government, and soon we will have your armies, resources, and sextoys!
Man: No comment at this time.
Caption: The rebellion was as inevitable as it was, shut. People of Earth! We have seized your government, and soon we will have your armies, resources, and sextoys!
Caption: But the earthlings were as far gone, they viewed the devastation as entertainment.
Woman: Aw, c'mon! Are these idiots killing me.
Caption: The invaders were so disgusted, eventually they just left.
Man: I want to parents with a sock when I use it. But I'm being disgusted until I saw big mac's lord as a pizza topping.
Caption: I mean, they have a way of disgusting society now!
Man with flame-like hair: Let us reject Earth's aid and build a nation based on equality and honor.
Caption: But I don't really care.
Woman: It sounds boring.
Man with flame-like hair: But why don't we continue our duty to find the smallest drop of matter humans will risk for —
Woman: My their people are so pathetic!
Votey: A wide-eyed, disheveled figure with a frazzled expression holds up a hand. A large speech balloon reads "KILL ME" and a small one reads "HUH".
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic, mostly dark blue-purple lunar scenes with red-orange firelight, telling the story of a lunar colony. Captions narrate over small character panels. The moon is opened for colonists but is prohibitively expensive; a real-estate ad offers a 1bd/1ba in 'Plait's Gulch' for $10,000,000/month plus 7 years labor. Colonists arrive seeking cheap resources, including a man with flame-like hair excited about lax property rights. The colonies fill with space libertarians who win 'contests' by shooting people. Nobody tends the gardens, hoping luck will do it, so conditions degrade rapidly. A new advertising scheme ties food supply to military prowess; the colony splits into brutal factions hawking 'meat and starch slurry,' and food companies develop weapons. Eventually war itself becomes more profitable than winning: a suited executive announces every Happy Meal will include an action figure brutally pummeling the 'freedom-hating monarchists' at Burger King. The escalating fast-food violence becomes entertainment broadcast to Earth, where viewers watch 'idiots fighting for food.' Earth invaders eventually leave in disgust. The man with flame-like hair proposes rejecting Earth's aid to build a nation based on equality and honor, but a woman dismisses it as boring and the people as pathetic. Votey panel (hand-drawn black-and-white): a wild-eyed, disheveled person holds up a trembling hand, a huge speech bubble screaming 'KILL ME' and a tiny one saying 'HUH'.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.