2012-08-27
Original: 2012-08-27 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Man: God, I wish I didn't have a penis to make me do stupid things.
Panel 2 (the penis speaks, indignant):
Penis: Really? Really? Are we going to trot out that old line? Blame the penis! I'm the most rational part of you!
Panel 3:
Penis: Go ahead! Ask Brain what it wants to do for the next ten years!
Panel 4 (the brain, depicted as a brain):
Brain: Video games. Maybe eat. Eat cookie dough.
Panel 5 (penis continuing, man looking on):
Penis: Sounds good to me. Of course it does. That's why I discipline you. You are constantly vigilant for sex. You're welcome. You practice sex once a day and twice a day on weekends. You're welcome.
Panel 6:
Penis: I convince Brain to simulate THOUSANDS of sexual circumstances, each less likely than the last, so that you're prepared to copulate under ANY conditions.
Panel 7:
Penis: Your having any hope of extending your genes beyond the tiny blip of time in which you exist is due ENTIRELY to my training and influence.
Panel 8:
Penis: But HEY, penis is the irrational one! It's penis's fault you -- HEY!
Panel 9 (final main panel):
The man, now sitting on a couch in only a diaper, plays a video game controller. Beside him is a blue tub labeled "COOKIE UGH" (cookie dough) with a spoon. An off-panel voice calls out:
Voice (off-panel): You better report in early tomorrow!
Votey: (no text) A close-up zoom of the man's gray-trousered hip and groin area, with the orange of his shirt visible at the top -- focusing on the crotch where the penis would be.
Man: God, I wish I didn't have a penis to make me do stupid things.
Panel 2 (the penis speaks, indignant):
Penis: Really? Really? Are we going to trot out that old line? Blame the penis! I'm the most rational part of you!
Panel 3:
Penis: Go ahead! Ask Brain what it wants to do for the next ten years!
Panel 4 (the brain, depicted as a brain):
Brain: Video games. Maybe eat. Eat cookie dough.
Panel 5 (penis continuing, man looking on):
Penis: Sounds good to me. Of course it does. That's why I discipline you. You are constantly vigilant for sex. You're welcome. You practice sex once a day and twice a day on weekends. You're welcome.
Panel 6:
Penis: I convince Brain to simulate THOUSANDS of sexual circumstances, each less likely than the last, so that you're prepared to copulate under ANY conditions.
Panel 7:
Penis: Your having any hope of extending your genes beyond the tiny blip of time in which you exist is due ENTIRELY to my training and influence.
Panel 8:
Penis: But HEY, penis is the irrational one! It's penis's fault you -- HEY!
Panel 9 (final main panel):
The man, now sitting on a couch in only a diaper, plays a video game controller. Beside him is a blue tub labeled "COOKIE UGH" (cookie dough) with a spoon. An off-panel voice calls out:
Voice (off-panel): You better report in early tomorrow!
Votey: (no text) A close-up zoom of the man's gray-trousered hip and groin area, with the orange of his shirt visible at the top -- focusing on the crotch where the penis would be.
Alt text
A tall SMBC comic. A man tells God he wishes he didn't have a penis to make him do stupid things. The penis (speaking via word balloons, while we see the man standing) angrily protests: "Really? Blame the penis! I'm the most rational part of you!" It dares the man to ask his Brain what it wants to do for the next ten years; the Brain (drawn as a brain) replies: "Video games. Maybe eat. Eat cookie dough." The penis says that proves its point -- it disciplines the man, keeps him vigilant for sex, makes the Brain simulate thousands of unlikely sexual scenarios so he can copulate under any conditions, and that any hope of passing on his genes is entirely due to its training. As it boasts "But hey, penis is the irrational one! It's penis's fault you -- HEY!", the final panel undercuts it: the man sits on a couch wearing only a diaper, playing a video game next to a tub of cookie dough labeled "COOKIE UGH," while an off-panel voice scolds, "You better report in early tomorrow!" The joke: despite the penis's grand speech about rationality and purpose, the man's actual behavior is exactly the lazy video-games-and-cookie-dough life the Brain wanted. The votey image is a wordless close-up zoom on the man's gray-trousered crotch.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.