2012-08-22
Original: 2012-08-22 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): AN INDIVIDUAL RELATIONSHIP CAN ONLY SUSTAIN SO MUCH STRIFE BEFORE IT BECOMES UNSTABLE.
[A hand-drawn graph: vertical axis labeled STABILITY, horizontal axis labeled STRIFE. The curve rises to a peak then falls off toward zero.]
Panel 2 (caption): AND LONGTERM RELATIONSHIPS CORRELATE WITH LOWER CRIME RATES.
Man: HEY, I'M GONNA GO KIDNAP AND RANSOM A RICH KID.
Woman: NOT WHILE THERE ARE DIRTY DISHES, YOU AREN'T.
Panel 3 (caption): ECONOMISTS DISCOVERED THAT THE OVERALL RATE OF DIVORCE CORRELATES WITH OVERALL STRIFE.
First economist: LOWERING NATIONWIDE STRIFE WILL SAVE 2% OF GDP LOST TO DIVORCE ATTORNEYS AND TO LOWERED PRODUCTIVITY. SO, WE SHOULD OFFER MARRIAGE COUNSELING.
Second economist: YOU'RE CLEARLY NOT AN ECONOMIST.
Panel 4 (caption): THE STRIFE CAP-AND-TRADE MARKET WORKED WELL.
[A man in a suit gestures to a chart. Vertical axis labeled TOTAL STRIFE, horizontal axis labeled TIME. A red dashed vertical line marks a point after which the line trends downward.]
Panel 5 (caption): BUT AT THE INDIVIDUAL LEVEL, THERE IS SOMETIMES INSTABILITY.
Woman: SANDY, I WANT TO CALL BOB A BASTARD AND BREAK HIS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TROPHY. CAN I BUY SOME STRIFE CREDITS?
Sandy: OF COURSE! BUT FIRST COME IN FOR MY HUSBAND'S FRESH-BAKED COOKIES!
Panel 6 (caption): THE KINDEST PEOPLE BECAME THE RICH AND POWERFUL. THE CRUELEST PEOPLE BECAME POOR.
[A woman and a balding man sit on the ground holding a sign reading, in handwriting: "Will work for ability to blame each other for homelessness".]
Panel 7 (caption): BUT WITHOUT JERKS, THE ECONOMY FALTERED.
First worker: CAN I HAVE 18 YEARS OFF FOR PATERNITY LEAVE.
Second worker: NOT WITHOUT A BONUS, YOU CAN'T!
Panel 8 (caption): AND FOREIGN POLICY WAS LESS EFFECTIVE.
Diplomat: CAN CHINA HAVE PART OF FLORIDA? JUST THE TIP. JUST FOR A SECOND. JUST TO SEE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.
Other official: WELL... IF IT'S JUST THE TIP...
Panel 9 (caption): STABILITY CONCERNS PRODUCED MASSIVE INFLATION.
Buyer: I'LL TRADE YOU 20 TRILLION STRIFE CREDITS FOR THAT SHOE.
Seller: OKAY, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I WANT TO CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND WITH HIS ADOPTIVE AND BIOLOGICAL FATHERS AT THE SAME TIME ON HIS BIRTHDAY WHICH IS ALSO CHRISTMAS.
Panel 10 (caption): WITH STRIFE EFFECTIVELY FREE, THE JERKS WERE BACK IN CHARGE WITHIN MONTHS.
New manager: HI EVERYONE. I'M THE NEW BRANCH MANAGER. NICE TO MEET YOU. FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT -- WE'RE REPLACING "MATERNITY LEAVE" WITH "LEAVE MATERNITY."
Panel 11 (caption): THINGS GOT BACK TO NORMAL RAPIDLY, THE ONLY BAD CONSEQUENCE BEING THAT PEOPLE EXPECTED AN ENTIRELY NEW SORT OF PROMISE FROM LEADERS.
Politician: IF ELECTED, I PROMISE UNBRIDLED CONTEMPT FOR THE COMMON MAN! ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU, BECAUSE I WON'T CARE. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT REPRISAL ITSELF!
Votey:
The politician, in a large hand-lettered speech bubble: WHILE THERE IS A SOUL IN PRISON, I AM NOT FREE-ING THAT SOUL!
[A hand-drawn graph: vertical axis labeled STABILITY, horizontal axis labeled STRIFE. The curve rises to a peak then falls off toward zero.]
Panel 2 (caption): AND LONGTERM RELATIONSHIPS CORRELATE WITH LOWER CRIME RATES.
Man: HEY, I'M GONNA GO KIDNAP AND RANSOM A RICH KID.
Woman: NOT WHILE THERE ARE DIRTY DISHES, YOU AREN'T.
Panel 3 (caption): ECONOMISTS DISCOVERED THAT THE OVERALL RATE OF DIVORCE CORRELATES WITH OVERALL STRIFE.
First economist: LOWERING NATIONWIDE STRIFE WILL SAVE 2% OF GDP LOST TO DIVORCE ATTORNEYS AND TO LOWERED PRODUCTIVITY. SO, WE SHOULD OFFER MARRIAGE COUNSELING.
Second economist: YOU'RE CLEARLY NOT AN ECONOMIST.
Panel 4 (caption): THE STRIFE CAP-AND-TRADE MARKET WORKED WELL.
[A man in a suit gestures to a chart. Vertical axis labeled TOTAL STRIFE, horizontal axis labeled TIME. A red dashed vertical line marks a point after which the line trends downward.]
Panel 5 (caption): BUT AT THE INDIVIDUAL LEVEL, THERE IS SOMETIMES INSTABILITY.
Woman: SANDY, I WANT TO CALL BOB A BASTARD AND BREAK HIS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TROPHY. CAN I BUY SOME STRIFE CREDITS?
Sandy: OF COURSE! BUT FIRST COME IN FOR MY HUSBAND'S FRESH-BAKED COOKIES!
Panel 6 (caption): THE KINDEST PEOPLE BECAME THE RICH AND POWERFUL. THE CRUELEST PEOPLE BECAME POOR.
[A woman and a balding man sit on the ground holding a sign reading, in handwriting: "Will work for ability to blame each other for homelessness".]
Panel 7 (caption): BUT WITHOUT JERKS, THE ECONOMY FALTERED.
First worker: CAN I HAVE 18 YEARS OFF FOR PATERNITY LEAVE.
Second worker: NOT WITHOUT A BONUS, YOU CAN'T!
Panel 8 (caption): AND FOREIGN POLICY WAS LESS EFFECTIVE.
Diplomat: CAN CHINA HAVE PART OF FLORIDA? JUST THE TIP. JUST FOR A SECOND. JUST TO SEE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.
Other official: WELL... IF IT'S JUST THE TIP...
Panel 9 (caption): STABILITY CONCERNS PRODUCED MASSIVE INFLATION.
Buyer: I'LL TRADE YOU 20 TRILLION STRIFE CREDITS FOR THAT SHOE.
Seller: OKAY, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I WANT TO CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND WITH HIS ADOPTIVE AND BIOLOGICAL FATHERS AT THE SAME TIME ON HIS BIRTHDAY WHICH IS ALSO CHRISTMAS.
Panel 10 (caption): WITH STRIFE EFFECTIVELY FREE, THE JERKS WERE BACK IN CHARGE WITHIN MONTHS.
New manager: HI EVERYONE. I'M THE NEW BRANCH MANAGER. NICE TO MEET YOU. FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT -- WE'RE REPLACING "MATERNITY LEAVE" WITH "LEAVE MATERNITY."
Panel 11 (caption): THINGS GOT BACK TO NORMAL RAPIDLY, THE ONLY BAD CONSEQUENCE BEING THAT PEOPLE EXPECTED AN ENTIRELY NEW SORT OF PROMISE FROM LEADERS.
Politician: IF ELECTED, I PROMISE UNBRIDLED CONTEMPT FOR THE COMMON MAN! ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU, BECAUSE I WON'T CARE. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT REPRISAL ITSELF!
Votey:
The politician, in a large hand-lettered speech bubble: WHILE THERE IS A SOUL IN PRISON, I AM NOT FREE-ING THAT SOUL!
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic imagining an economy where interpersonal "strife" is treated as a tradable commodity. Red caption bars narrate between panels.
Panel 1: a caption says an individual relationship can only sustain so much strife before it becomes unstable, illustrated by a graph of STABILITY (vertical) versus STRIFE (horizontal) that rises to a peak then falls toward zero.
Panel 2: caption notes longterm relationships correlate with lower crime rates. A man says he's going to go kidnap and ransom a rich kid; a woman says not while there are dirty dishes.
Panel 3: economists find divorce correlates with overall strife. One economist proposes nationwide marriage counseling to save 2% of GDP; the other says "You're clearly not an economist."
Panel 4: a strife cap-and-trade market works well, shown by a man presenting a TOTAL STRIFE vs TIME chart where the line drops after a marked point.
Panel 5: a woman asks Sandy to buy strife credits so she can call a man a bastard and break his trophy; Sandy agrees but invites her in for her husband's fresh-baked cookies.
Panel 6: caption says the kindest became rich and the cruelest became poor; a sad couple sits holding a sign reading "Will work for ability to blame each other for homelessness."
Panel 7: without jerks the economy falters; a worker asks for 18 years of paternity leave and is told not without a bonus.
Panel 8: foreign policy weakens; a diplomat asks if China can have part of Florida, "just the tip... just to see what it feels like," and the other official relents.
Panel 9: massive inflation; someone offers 20 trillion strife credits for a shoe, and the seller agrees only because they want to cheat on their husband with his adoptive and biological fathers on his birthday which is also Christmas.
Panel 10: with strife effectively free, jerks return; a new branch manager announces they're replacing "maternity leave" with "leave maternity."
Panel 11: society normalizes, except people now expect cruel campaign promises; a politician declares unbridled contempt for the common man and says "Ask not what your country can do for you, because I won't care."
Votey: the same politician, in a large speech bubble, declares "While there is a soul in prison, I am not free-ing that soul!"
Panel 1: a caption says an individual relationship can only sustain so much strife before it becomes unstable, illustrated by a graph of STABILITY (vertical) versus STRIFE (horizontal) that rises to a peak then falls toward zero.
Panel 2: caption notes longterm relationships correlate with lower crime rates. A man says he's going to go kidnap and ransom a rich kid; a woman says not while there are dirty dishes.
Panel 3: economists find divorce correlates with overall strife. One economist proposes nationwide marriage counseling to save 2% of GDP; the other says "You're clearly not an economist."
Panel 4: a strife cap-and-trade market works well, shown by a man presenting a TOTAL STRIFE vs TIME chart where the line drops after a marked point.
Panel 5: a woman asks Sandy to buy strife credits so she can call a man a bastard and break his trophy; Sandy agrees but invites her in for her husband's fresh-baked cookies.
Panel 6: caption says the kindest became rich and the cruelest became poor; a sad couple sits holding a sign reading "Will work for ability to blame each other for homelessness."
Panel 7: without jerks the economy falters; a worker asks for 18 years of paternity leave and is told not without a bonus.
Panel 8: foreign policy weakens; a diplomat asks if China can have part of Florida, "just the tip... just to see what it feels like," and the other official relents.
Panel 9: massive inflation; someone offers 20 trillion strife credits for a shoe, and the seller agrees only because they want to cheat on their husband with his adoptive and biological fathers on his birthday which is also Christmas.
Panel 10: with strife effectively free, jerks return; a new branch manager announces they're replacing "maternity leave" with "leave maternity."
Panel 11: society normalizes, except people now expect cruel campaign promises; a politician declares unbridled contempt for the common man and says "Ask not what your country can do for you, because I won't care."
Votey: the same politician, in a large speech bubble, declares "While there is a soul in prison, I am not free-ing that soul!"
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.