2011-08-28
Original: 2011-08-28 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Gray-haired man (an oracle/wizard figure): I've taken history's greatest conquerors and combined their DNA to create the most powerful supervillain ever known!
Panel 2 (three labeled portraits):
GENGHIS KARN
FE-XANDER OF MACEDON
CHIPERSAUR
Panel 3:
Bald man (skeptic): Wait... oracle? What do you mean combined their DNA?
Panel 4:
Oracle: You know. Combined it... like... together.
Bald man: DNA doesn't work that way. Even if it did, you can't be sure the child will express all the qualities you want. You have to completely understand its environment and epigenome, which is essentially impossible.
Panel 5:
Bald man: So... what have you been doing for ten years?
Oracle: I can tell you. We've used DNA from genetic samples, bones into a paste, shaped it into a blob and dunked it in an aquarium.
Panel 6:
Bald man: So... how do I get the next great supervillain?
Oracle: They arise organically. Look in a country with recently high inflation, low per capita income and a bad Gini coefficient.
Panel 7:
Bald man: Gini coefficient? Christ, man. Here's a macroeconomics textbook.
(He hands over a book; the oracle reads it.)
Final panel (text banner):
SCIENCE
RUINING EVERYTHING SINCE 1543
Votey:
Bald man: Also Santa Claus is mathematically unlikely.
(He says this to the other figure, who looks on.)
Gray-haired man (an oracle/wizard figure): I've taken history's greatest conquerors and combined their DNA to create the most powerful supervillain ever known!
Panel 2 (three labeled portraits):
GENGHIS KARN
FE-XANDER OF MACEDON
CHIPERSAUR
Panel 3:
Bald man (skeptic): Wait... oracle? What do you mean combined their DNA?
Panel 4:
Oracle: You know. Combined it... like... together.
Bald man: DNA doesn't work that way. Even if it did, you can't be sure the child will express all the qualities you want. You have to completely understand its environment and epigenome, which is essentially impossible.
Panel 5:
Bald man: So... what have you been doing for ten years?
Oracle: I can tell you. We've used DNA from genetic samples, bones into a paste, shaped it into a blob and dunked it in an aquarium.
Panel 6:
Bald man: So... how do I get the next great supervillain?
Oracle: They arise organically. Look in a country with recently high inflation, low per capita income and a bad Gini coefficient.
Panel 7:
Bald man: Gini coefficient? Christ, man. Here's a macroeconomics textbook.
(He hands over a book; the oracle reads it.)
Final panel (text banner):
SCIENCE
RUINING EVERYTHING SINCE 1543
Votey:
Bald man: Also Santa Claus is mathematically unlikely.
(He says this to the other figure, who looks on.)
Alt text
A Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comic. A gray-haired robed oracle/wizard tells a bald scientist he has combined the DNA of history's greatest conquerors to create the most powerful supervillain ever known. Three portraits are labeled with pun names: 'Genghis Karn,' 'Fe-xander of Macedon,' and 'Chipersaur.' The skeptical bald man explains that DNA doesn't work that way and that you'd need to completely understand the organism's environment and epigenome, which is essentially impossible. The oracle reveals that for ten years he has just been grinding genetic samples into a paste, shaping it into a blob, and dunking it in an aquarium. When the man asks how to actually get a great supervillain, the oracle says they arise organically and advises looking in a country with recently high inflation, low per-capita income, and a bad Gini coefficient. The man, exasperated, hands him a macroeconomics textbook, which the oracle reads. A closing banner reads 'SCIENCE: RUINING EVERYTHING SINCE 1543.' Votey: the bald man adds deadpan, 'Also Santa Claus is mathematically unlikely.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.