2011-07-13
Original: 2011-07-13 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1
Narration: When Superman started out, he saved dozens of lives every day.
Woman (frightened): Stop! Stop!
Panel 2
Narration: The people were grateful.
Panel 3
Narration: But soon it was decided that he could be saving many more lives. Instead of stopping criminals, why not transform loads of grain to starving people?
Superman (thinking): Oh okay.
Panel 4
Narration: Superman got better and better, using saving techniques.
Narration (cont'd): Then, he learned to maximize this skill:
Superman: That's better. Longer life!
Panel 5
Narration: New plan: Use your strength to plow farmland in underdeveloped countries. Economists think that's better, longer life.
Woman: Every ground of overgrains is another dead baby.
Panel 6
Narration: Finally, we found maximum efficiency. We need you to crank. This magnet, as fast as possible. The energy it generates will be so great that everyone can enjoy a western standard of living.
Superman: Ah! So... efficient.
Man: Oh, that reminds me, keep your speed constant at all times.
Panel 7
Narration: We began to weigh on the hero.
Superman (straining): I kinda miss fighting crime.
Man: You know what I heard? That's how they say in Bangladesh if you stop.
Panel 8
Narration: But society advanced rapidly on cheap clean energy.
Sign: Welcome to Topeka!
Panel 9
Narration: Scientists discovered a problem.
Man: By our calculations, we will hit peak Superman here.
Woman: When's that?
Label on chart: When Superman dies of exhaustion.
Panel 10
Narration: We collectively transitioned to clean energy, making Superman an obsolete power source.
Man: You've been replaced.
Superman: By what?
Man: Wuss, don't you read the news?
Panel 11
Narration: By then, society had so improved that crime was nonexistent, making Superman an obsolete person.
Man (mugger): Stop! Crook!
Superman: Oh no, he's giving me a free purse and salmon.
Superman (thinking): I'm needin' it (with money) in face?
Panel 12
Narration: He tried to get a job, but his resume had a bit thin.
Resume (header): Superman
Resume bullet: Fly. Apt. Disinter. Only planet.
Resume bullet: Anti-present. Movin' arms. And was constantly.
Panel 13
Narration: He spent his last few years as a greeter for the Smithsonian Museum of Superheroes.
Superman: Welcome! My super-meanings tells you you need directions to the restroom.
Panel 14
Narration: The exhibit of his body was much more popular.
Display placard: Superman: Transitional power source
Votey:
A man (Superman, drawn simply) gestures and shouts: "Gingle panels! Remember single panels?!"
Narration: When Superman started out, he saved dozens of lives every day.
Woman (frightened): Stop! Stop!
Panel 2
Narration: The people were grateful.
Panel 3
Narration: But soon it was decided that he could be saving many more lives. Instead of stopping criminals, why not transform loads of grain to starving people?
Superman (thinking): Oh okay.
Panel 4
Narration: Superman got better and better, using saving techniques.
Narration (cont'd): Then, he learned to maximize this skill:
Superman: That's better. Longer life!
Panel 5
Narration: New plan: Use your strength to plow farmland in underdeveloped countries. Economists think that's better, longer life.
Woman: Every ground of overgrains is another dead baby.
Panel 6
Narration: Finally, we found maximum efficiency. We need you to crank. This magnet, as fast as possible. The energy it generates will be so great that everyone can enjoy a western standard of living.
Superman: Ah! So... efficient.
Man: Oh, that reminds me, keep your speed constant at all times.
Panel 7
Narration: We began to weigh on the hero.
Superman (straining): I kinda miss fighting crime.
Man: You know what I heard? That's how they say in Bangladesh if you stop.
Panel 8
Narration: But society advanced rapidly on cheap clean energy.
Sign: Welcome to Topeka!
Panel 9
Narration: Scientists discovered a problem.
Man: By our calculations, we will hit peak Superman here.
Woman: When's that?
Label on chart: When Superman dies of exhaustion.
Panel 10
Narration: We collectively transitioned to clean energy, making Superman an obsolete power source.
Man: You've been replaced.
Superman: By what?
Man: Wuss, don't you read the news?
Panel 11
Narration: By then, society had so improved that crime was nonexistent, making Superman an obsolete person.
Man (mugger): Stop! Crook!
Superman: Oh no, he's giving me a free purse and salmon.
Superman (thinking): I'm needin' it (with money) in face?
Panel 12
Narration: He tried to get a job, but his resume had a bit thin.
Resume (header): Superman
Resume bullet: Fly. Apt. Disinter. Only planet.
Resume bullet: Anti-present. Movin' arms. And was constantly.
Panel 13
Narration: He spent his last few years as a greeter for the Smithsonian Museum of Superheroes.
Superman: Welcome! My super-meanings tells you you need directions to the restroom.
Panel 14
Narration: The exhibit of his body was much more popular.
Display placard: Superman: Transitional power source
Votey:
A man (Superman, drawn simply) gestures and shouts: "Gingle panels! Remember single panels?!"
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic narrating the working life of Superman as an economic energy source. It opens with Superman saving a frightened woman crying "Stop! Stop!" and people being grateful. Society then redirects him from fighting crime to transforming grain for the starving, then to plowing farmland in poor countries, each step justified by economists as producing more "longer life." Eventually he is put to work cranking a giant magnet as fast as possible to generate cheap clean energy for a Western standard of living, told to keep his speed constant at all times. The hero begins to wear down, saying he kinda misses fighting crime, while a man warns him about consequences "in Bangladesh" if he stops. Society advances rapidly (a sign reads "Welcome to Topeka!"). Scientists chart "peak Superman" - the point when he dies of exhaustion. The world then transitions to clean energy, making Superman obsolete as a power source. Crime also vanishes, making him obsolete as a crimefighter - a mugger even hands him a free purse. His thin resume fails to land a job, and he ends up as a greeter at the Smithsonian Museum of Superheroes, weakly directing visitors to the restroom. In the final panel, the exhibit of his dead body proves much more popular, labeled "Superman: Transitional power source." Votey: a simply drawn man (Superman) gestures and shouts, "Gingle panels! Remember single panels?!" - a self-aware jab at how long this multi-panel comic ran.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.