2010-10-21
Original: 2010-10-21 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption over a diagram of yellow circles, each containing combinations of male/female/intersex gender symbols, connected by lines and arrows): SENDING MONOGAMOUS COUPLES ON LONG SPACE TRIPS IS DANGEROUS PSYCHOLOGICALLY.
Panel 2 (caption over an image of a pink pregnant belly silhouette with a fetus inside): AND HETEROSEXUAL COUPLES ALWAYS CARRY THE RISK OF PREGNANCY.
Panel 3 (caption over an image of three shirtless smiling astronauts holding helmets): THE ONLY POSSIBLE SOLUTION FOR LONG SPACE VOYAGES WAS TO FIND NON-MONOGAMOUS GAY ASTRONAUTS.
Panel 4 (caption over a man resembling John F. Kennedy speaking at a podium): WHICH IS WHAT SPARKED KENNEDY'S FAMOUS SPEECH.
Kennedy: WE WILL FIND THE GAYEST CREW POSSIBLE. GAYER THAN ANY CREW THE SOVIETS HAVE YET DREAMT! WE CHOOSE TO SEND A GAY SPACESHIP TO THE MOON IN THIS DECADE... NOT BECAUSE IT IS GAY, BUT BECAUSE IT IS HARD.
Panel 5 (caption over a bald man resembling Khrushchev gesturing with a fist): AND KHRUSCHEV'S INFAMOUS RESPONSE.
Khrushchev: OUR COSMONAUTS ARE THE GAYEST IN THE WORLD! THEY WILL RIDE INTO SPACE LIKE BIG GAY COSSACKS GAYING THEIR WAY ACROSS THE EASTERN STEPPES. WE WILL BURY YOU! BURY YOU IN GAYNESS!
Panel 6 (caption over a Black man speaking at a podium, holding a small spacecraft model): IT IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT OF SPACE TRAVEL THAT HASN'T YET BEEN CIRCUMVENTED. EVEN MODERN DAY NASA MUST OBEY THIS LAW OF PSYCHOLOGY.
NASA spokesman: WE HOPE TO REACH MARS IN 20 YEARS... IF WE CAN FIND ASTRONAUTS GAY ENOUGH FOR SUCH A PERILOUS JOURNEY.
Panel 7 (a man with red hair sits on a couch reading a large book titled SPACE HISTORY to a small child; a tall man in a suit and glasses stands to the right):
Man standing: PLEASE TEACH OUR SON ACTUAL HISTORY.
Man with the book: FIRST HE HAS TO KNOW HOW IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
Votey:
A man with flame-like/wavy hair (the red-haired father from the last panel) leans toward another person who has glasses and dark hair.
Man: ARE YOU FANTASIZING ABOUT BIG GAY COSSACKS?
Other person: N-NO...
Panel 2 (caption over an image of a pink pregnant belly silhouette with a fetus inside): AND HETEROSEXUAL COUPLES ALWAYS CARRY THE RISK OF PREGNANCY.
Panel 3 (caption over an image of three shirtless smiling astronauts holding helmets): THE ONLY POSSIBLE SOLUTION FOR LONG SPACE VOYAGES WAS TO FIND NON-MONOGAMOUS GAY ASTRONAUTS.
Panel 4 (caption over a man resembling John F. Kennedy speaking at a podium): WHICH IS WHAT SPARKED KENNEDY'S FAMOUS SPEECH.
Kennedy: WE WILL FIND THE GAYEST CREW POSSIBLE. GAYER THAN ANY CREW THE SOVIETS HAVE YET DREAMT! WE CHOOSE TO SEND A GAY SPACESHIP TO THE MOON IN THIS DECADE... NOT BECAUSE IT IS GAY, BUT BECAUSE IT IS HARD.
Panel 5 (caption over a bald man resembling Khrushchev gesturing with a fist): AND KHRUSCHEV'S INFAMOUS RESPONSE.
Khrushchev: OUR COSMONAUTS ARE THE GAYEST IN THE WORLD! THEY WILL RIDE INTO SPACE LIKE BIG GAY COSSACKS GAYING THEIR WAY ACROSS THE EASTERN STEPPES. WE WILL BURY YOU! BURY YOU IN GAYNESS!
Panel 6 (caption over a Black man speaking at a podium, holding a small spacecraft model): IT IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT OF SPACE TRAVEL THAT HASN'T YET BEEN CIRCUMVENTED. EVEN MODERN DAY NASA MUST OBEY THIS LAW OF PSYCHOLOGY.
NASA spokesman: WE HOPE TO REACH MARS IN 20 YEARS... IF WE CAN FIND ASTRONAUTS GAY ENOUGH FOR SUCH A PERILOUS JOURNEY.
Panel 7 (a man with red hair sits on a couch reading a large book titled SPACE HISTORY to a small child; a tall man in a suit and glasses stands to the right):
Man standing: PLEASE TEACH OUR SON ACTUAL HISTORY.
Man with the book: FIRST HE HAS TO KNOW HOW IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
Votey:
A man with flame-like/wavy hair (the red-haired father from the last panel) leans toward another person who has glasses and dark hair.
Man: ARE YOU FANTASIZING ABOUT BIG GAY COSSACKS?
Other person: N-NO...
Alt text
A seven-panel SMBC comic presenting an alternate history of the space race as having been driven by gayness. Panel 1: a caption, "Sending monogamous couples on long space trips is dangerous psychologically," over a network diagram of yellow circles filled with combined male/female gender symbols linked by lines. Panel 2: "And heterosexual couples always carry the risk of pregnancy," over a silhouette of a pregnant belly with a fetus. Panel 3: "The only possible solution for long space voyages was to find non-monogamous gay astronauts," over three smiling shirtless astronauts holding helmets. Panel 4: a JFK-like president at a podium delivers "Kennedy's famous speech": "We will find the gayest crew possible... we choose to send a gay spaceship to the moon in this decade... not because it is gay, but because it is hard." Panel 5: a Khrushchev-like bald Soviet leader shakes his fist in reply: "Our cosmonauts are the gayest in the world! They will ride into space like big gay cossacks gaying their way across the eastern steppes. We will bury you! Bury you in gayness!" Panel 6: a modern NASA spokesman at a podium holding a model spacecraft says they hope to reach Mars in 20 years if they can find astronauts gay enough. Panel 7: a red-haired father reads a giant book labeled "Space History" to his child while another man in a suit objects, "Please teach our son actual history," and the father replies, "First he has to know how it should have been." Votey aftercomic: the same father leans in toward his bespectacled partner and asks, "Are you fantasizing about big gay cossacks?" The partner sheepishly answers, "N-no..."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.