2010-03-12
Original: 2010-03-12 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (narration caption): THE ALIENS WALKED AMONG US, UNSEEN.
(A crowd of ordinary-looking people walking, one man at right looks slightly nervous.)
Panel 2 (narration caption): WORLDWIDE, A DEFENSE STRATEGY WAS IMPLEMENTED.
Man (blond, in suit, addressing the reader): TRY TO NOTICE BEHAVIORS THAT NORMAL MEN AND WOMEN WOULD NEVER ENGAGE IN. IF YOU SEE THESE, IT IS AN ALIEN. AN ALIEN WHO WANTS TO DRINK YOUR BLOOD!
Panel 3 (narration caption): COLLATERAL DAMAGE WAS INEVITABLE.
(A woman in a sports bra stands at left; a bald man at right is being stabbed/impaled by arrows or spears.)
Bald man: =GHLLK= I ACTUALLY JUST WANTED TO CUDDLE! SOME MEN LIKE CUDDLING!
Panel 4 (narration caption): UNKNOWINGLY, WE ARTIFICIALLY SELECTED FOR MORE AND MORE STEREOTYPICAL BEHAVIOR.
Man (red-haired): YOU'RE GONNA BUY ME THAT NECKLACE OR I'LL START SCREAMING AND CRYING!
Panel 5:
Woman (blonde, pointing): I'M SAFE!
Panel 6 (narration caption): SLOWLY BUT SURELY, LIFE BECAME INTOLERABLE.
Woman (red-haired, at left): WE'LL WATCH THAT ROMANTIC COMEDY OR I'LL WITHHOLD SEX, WHICH IS GROSS!
Man (at right): DON'T CARE! I'M GONNA GO BONE A YOUNGER WOMAN, THEN COME HOME AND LEAVE URINE ON THE TOILET SEAT! BOOM!
Panel 7 (narration caption): THE FEW OF US WHO WERE STILL ABNORMAL FACED A STARK CHOICE.
Narration/text: ARE... ARE
Panel 8:
Woman (red-haired): YOU READING A NOVEL?
Man: YEP.
Woman: ABOUT BARBARIANS OR WRESTLING?
Man: ABOUT COMING OF AGE AS A WOMAN IN VICTORIAN ENGLAND.
Woman: KISS ME! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE DANGER!
Panel 9 (narration caption): FORTUNATELY, INTELLECTUAL STARVATION MADE THE CONSEQUENCES SEEM MINOR.
Green alien (revealed): SO, DO YOU LIKE JOYCE? I'M A BIG FAN OF JOYCE.
(The man leans in to kiss what is actually a blood-drinking alien.)
Votey:
(Extreme close-up of a strange skull/bone, presumably the alien's, filling the panel.)
Voice (speech bubble): THIS IS STILL BETTER THAN NASCAR.
(A crowd of ordinary-looking people walking, one man at right looks slightly nervous.)
Panel 2 (narration caption): WORLDWIDE, A DEFENSE STRATEGY WAS IMPLEMENTED.
Man (blond, in suit, addressing the reader): TRY TO NOTICE BEHAVIORS THAT NORMAL MEN AND WOMEN WOULD NEVER ENGAGE IN. IF YOU SEE THESE, IT IS AN ALIEN. AN ALIEN WHO WANTS TO DRINK YOUR BLOOD!
Panel 3 (narration caption): COLLATERAL DAMAGE WAS INEVITABLE.
(A woman in a sports bra stands at left; a bald man at right is being stabbed/impaled by arrows or spears.)
Bald man: =GHLLK= I ACTUALLY JUST WANTED TO CUDDLE! SOME MEN LIKE CUDDLING!
Panel 4 (narration caption): UNKNOWINGLY, WE ARTIFICIALLY SELECTED FOR MORE AND MORE STEREOTYPICAL BEHAVIOR.
Man (red-haired): YOU'RE GONNA BUY ME THAT NECKLACE OR I'LL START SCREAMING AND CRYING!
Panel 5:
Woman (blonde, pointing): I'M SAFE!
Panel 6 (narration caption): SLOWLY BUT SURELY, LIFE BECAME INTOLERABLE.
Woman (red-haired, at left): WE'LL WATCH THAT ROMANTIC COMEDY OR I'LL WITHHOLD SEX, WHICH IS GROSS!
Man (at right): DON'T CARE! I'M GONNA GO BONE A YOUNGER WOMAN, THEN COME HOME AND LEAVE URINE ON THE TOILET SEAT! BOOM!
Panel 7 (narration caption): THE FEW OF US WHO WERE STILL ABNORMAL FACED A STARK CHOICE.
Narration/text: ARE... ARE
Panel 8:
Woman (red-haired): YOU READING A NOVEL?
Man: YEP.
Woman: ABOUT BARBARIANS OR WRESTLING?
Man: ABOUT COMING OF AGE AS A WOMAN IN VICTORIAN ENGLAND.
Woman: KISS ME! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE DANGER!
Panel 9 (narration caption): FORTUNATELY, INTELLECTUAL STARVATION MADE THE CONSEQUENCES SEEM MINOR.
Green alien (revealed): SO, DO YOU LIKE JOYCE? I'M A BIG FAN OF JOYCE.
(The man leans in to kiss what is actually a blood-drinking alien.)
Votey:
(Extreme close-up of a strange skull/bone, presumably the alien's, filling the panel.)
Voice (speech bubble): THIS IS STILL BETTER THAN NASCAR.
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic told through narration captions. "The aliens walked among us, unseen" over a crowd of ordinary people, one man looking nervous. "Worldwide, a defense strategy was implemented": a man in a suit tells the reader to watch for behaviors normal men and women would never engage in, because that means it's a blood-drinking alien. "Collateral damage was inevitable": a bald man being stabbed cries "=GHLLK= I actually just wanted to cuddle! Some men like cuddling!" "Unknowingly, we artificially selected for more and more stereotypical behavior": a man threatens "You're gonna buy me that necklace or I'll start screaming and crying!" A blonde woman points and says "I'm safe!" "Slowly but surely, life became intolerable": a woman threatens to withhold sex over a rom-com while a man brags he'll cheat and leave urine on the toilet seat. "The few of us who were still abnormal faced a stark choice." A red-haired woman asks a man if he's reading a novel; he says it's about coming of age as a woman in Victorian England, and she swoons "Kiss me! I don't care about the danger!" Final caption: "Fortunately, intellectual starvation made the consequences seem minor" — as the man leans in, the woman is revealed to be a green alien saying "So, do you like Joyce? I'm a big fan of Joyce." Votey: an extreme close-up of a strange alien skull/bone fills the panel, with a speech bubble reading "This is still better than NASCAR."
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.