Conspiracy
Original: Conspiracy on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Caption: The public made their desires clear.
A woman (blonde): "I'm sick of politicians talking about 'policy'! We the people demand a large man who insists all of our problems are caused by shadowy forces that only he can stop!"
Caption: There were brief, heroic attempts to push back.
A woman politician at a lectern: "I'd like to talk about adjusting zoning law to increase permitting while retaining the abilit-"
A man (offscreen): "She's one of them!"
Caption: Soon, voters' only choice was which conspiracy theory to support.
Three candidates at lecterns, each naming a theory:
Candidate 1: "Lizard-men!"
Candidate 2 (orange hair): "Time traveling werewolves!"
Candidate 3: "Sasquatch. Jewish Sasquatch."
Caption: A small cadre of truth-seekers held out hope.
A man: "Once everyone sees that the time traveling werewolf elimination consortium doesn't actually improve their lives, things will change."
Caption: Their hope was stupid.
A man (dark suit): "I can't believe ANYONE voted for the time traveling werewolf elimination conJERKtium."
The orange-haired candidate (arms raised): "Yes!"
Another man: "Probably hypnotized by Jewish Sasquatch."
Caption: The failure of any party to achieve its goals only increased cynicism among the public.
A man (blonde): "The alien replicant-fighters and anti-illuminati wizards are all just a UNIPARTY that does nothing to alleviate the secret queen of England putting cyberattacks in the water supply! They don't LISTEN to the PEOPLE, except of course through the listening device they put in my teeth."
Caption: Politicians were forced to plumb ever greater depths of madness merely to garner attention.
Mr. Acosta (a man with a beard, arms up at a lectern): "My opponent wants to blame increasing trans-gayness on Jewish Sasquatch, but what he won't tell you is BATS! BATS! HUGE BATS SWOOPING AND SCREECHING! HOLY JESUS! WHAT ARE THESE GODDAMN ANIMALS!?"
Moderator (offscreen): "Thank you, Mr. Acosta. You have 30 seconds to reply."
Caption: Ironically, the last human political act was the first honest one in decades.
A woman at a lectern: "I promise fully immersive virtual reality and a perpetual intravenous nutrient supply."
Caption: Thousands of years later, aliens will find us, visions of banal perfection eternally projected into the sockets of our fleshless skulls.
A computer/projector beaming an image into a human skeleton's skull: "It's Christmas again. Your family loves you. You're healthy and respected in the community. All of your enemies are being tortured to death for their hypocrisy. And lookie, BALLOONS!"
Caption: They will be shocked.
An alien (in a UFO/landed scene): "How could they be smart enough to build all this, then dumb enough to not destroy it?"
Caption: But they will not be confused.
Two green aliens stand together; one says: "Imagine billions of tiny brains whose only connection is language."
The other alien: "Yep. That'd do it."
Votey: (none)
A woman (blonde): "I'm sick of politicians talking about 'policy'! We the people demand a large man who insists all of our problems are caused by shadowy forces that only he can stop!"
Caption: There were brief, heroic attempts to push back.
A woman politician at a lectern: "I'd like to talk about adjusting zoning law to increase permitting while retaining the abilit-"
A man (offscreen): "She's one of them!"
Caption: Soon, voters' only choice was which conspiracy theory to support.
Three candidates at lecterns, each naming a theory:
Candidate 1: "Lizard-men!"
Candidate 2 (orange hair): "Time traveling werewolves!"
Candidate 3: "Sasquatch. Jewish Sasquatch."
Caption: A small cadre of truth-seekers held out hope.
A man: "Once everyone sees that the time traveling werewolf elimination consortium doesn't actually improve their lives, things will change."
Caption: Their hope was stupid.
A man (dark suit): "I can't believe ANYONE voted for the time traveling werewolf elimination conJERKtium."
The orange-haired candidate (arms raised): "Yes!"
Another man: "Probably hypnotized by Jewish Sasquatch."
Caption: The failure of any party to achieve its goals only increased cynicism among the public.
A man (blonde): "The alien replicant-fighters and anti-illuminati wizards are all just a UNIPARTY that does nothing to alleviate the secret queen of England putting cyberattacks in the water supply! They don't LISTEN to the PEOPLE, except of course through the listening device they put in my teeth."
Caption: Politicians were forced to plumb ever greater depths of madness merely to garner attention.
Mr. Acosta (a man with a beard, arms up at a lectern): "My opponent wants to blame increasing trans-gayness on Jewish Sasquatch, but what he won't tell you is BATS! BATS! HUGE BATS SWOOPING AND SCREECHING! HOLY JESUS! WHAT ARE THESE GODDAMN ANIMALS!?"
Moderator (offscreen): "Thank you, Mr. Acosta. You have 30 seconds to reply."
Caption: Ironically, the last human political act was the first honest one in decades.
A woman at a lectern: "I promise fully immersive virtual reality and a perpetual intravenous nutrient supply."
Caption: Thousands of years later, aliens will find us, visions of banal perfection eternally projected into the sockets of our fleshless skulls.
A computer/projector beaming an image into a human skeleton's skull: "It's Christmas again. Your family loves you. You're healthy and respected in the community. All of your enemies are being tortured to death for their hypocrisy. And lookie, BALLOONS!"
Caption: They will be shocked.
An alien (in a UFO/landed scene): "How could they be smart enough to build all this, then dumb enough to not destroy it?"
Caption: But they will not be confused.
Two green aliens stand together; one says: "Imagine billions of tiny brains whose only connection is language."
The other alien: "Yep. That'd do it."
Votey: (none)
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic narrating how human politics collapses into competing conspiracy theories. A blonde woman demands a strongman who blames all problems on shadowy forces ('the public made their desires clear'). A reasonable woman politician trying to discuss zoning law is shouted down as 'one of them.' Three debate candidates each offer rival conspiracies: 'Lizard-men!', 'Time traveling werewolves!', and 'Sasquatch. Jewish Sasquatch.' A truth-seeker hopes people will wise up; the next caption says 'Their hope was stupid' as voters cheer the absurd 'time traveling werewolf elimination con-JERK-tium.' Cynicism grows; a man rants about a UNIPARTY, the secret queen of England, and a listening device in his teeth. Politicians escalate into madness: 'Mr. Acosta' screams about HUGE BATS SWOOPING AND SCREECHING. The final 'honest' political act is a woman promising fully immersive virtual reality and a perpetual IV nutrient drip. Thousands of years later, aliens find humanity as fleshless skeletons wired into machines projecting blissful fake lives ('It's Christmas again... and lookie, BALLOONS!') into their skull sockets. One alien asks how a species smart enough to build all this could be dumb enough not to destroy it. The other alien delivers the punchline: 'Imagine billions of tiny brains whose only connection is language.' 'Yep. That'd do it.' No votey.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.