the-painting
Original: the-painting on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Title: "THE PAINTING"
Subtitle: A WEIRD SPACE STORY, COURTESY EARLY BUYERS OF A CITY ON MARS
By KELLY & ZACH WEINERSMITH (CLICK FOR MORE INFO)
Narration: MUCH OF OUR RESEARCH ON A CITY ON MARS WE READ A TON OF MEMOIRS, MOST ENGLISH-LANGUAGE SPACE MEMOIRS, BUT WE'RE PARTICULARLY INTERESTED IN ONE PERSON ESPECIALLY INTERESTED IN OUR PERSPECTIVE.
Narration: VALENTIN LEBEDEV IS KNOWN FOR HIS RECORD-BREAKING 211 DAYS IN ORBIT IN 1982 ABOARD SALYUT-7 SPACE STATION AND THE BRUTALLY HONEST DIARY HE KEPT ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE.
Lebedev (man speaking): "Diary of a Cosmonaut, Day or So"
Narration: THE FIRST HALF IS PRETTY INTERESTING, EVEN POETIC. HE TALKS ABOUT DIFFICULTY GETTING ALONG WITH ONE OTHER PERSON IN A TINY SPACE AND HE GETS FAIRLY DEPRESSED AT ONE POINT.
Narration: BUT AS THE BOOK WEARS ON YOU CAN TELL HE JUST IS NO LONGER PUTTING IN THE WORK. ENTIRE DAYS OR PUTTING IN SINGLE-SENTENCE ENTRIES. HE'S BORED. YOU'RE BORED.
Narration: UNTIL NOVEMBER 26TH. WE 200TH DAY IN SPACE, WHEN YOU READ THE WEIRDEST PARAGRAPH EVER PRINTED IN ANY SPACE MEMOIR.
Narration: BY THE WAY, WE HAVE A VERY NICE PICTURE HANGING ON THE WALL OF OUR STATION. IT WAS PAINTED BY THE FELLOWS WHO BUILT THE STATION. I FIND IT REFLECTS OUR LIFE ON BOARD PERFECTLY. IT SHOWS A FEARSOME COWBOY TIED TO A CROSS, A NAKED WOMAN STANDING NEARBY ON A WHITE HORSE. IN THE COWBOY'S HAND A REVOLVER, ITS BARREL POINTED AT THE WOMAN, MENACING HER WITH A SEARING LOOK. IN THE BACKGROUND STANDS THE STATION'S BLOCKHOUSE FROM TEN MILES, BECAUSE THAT WAS, FOR US, THE OUTER SPACE BEYOND.
Narration: IN CASE, THAT'S HARD TO VISUALIZE, HERE'S A DIAGRAM USING STICK FIGURES.
(stick-figure diagram of a crucified cowboy, a naked woman on a horse, and a small building)
Narration: SO NAIVE WE HERE NEITHER OF US HAD EVER READ ANYTHING THAT FEATURED OUTER SPACE VISUAL EROTICA INVOLVING HORSES, AND THERE REALLY HAVE THIS EXTENSIVE RESEARCH...
Kelly: I MUST KNOW MORE.
Narration: OUTER SPACE VISUAL EROTICA FEATURING HORSES, AND DON'T REALLY HAVE THIS EXTENSIVE RESEARCH.
Kelly: I MUST KNOW MORE.
Narration: ON THE ONE HAND, THE STORY HAS SOMEWHAT FAMILIAR, RUSSIAN SPACE STATIONS WERE CONSIDERABLY MORE PERMISSIVE THAN TODAY'S INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION - SPACE STATION ART WAS A KNOWN THING, AND SOME OUTER SPACE PORN VIDEOS WERE TAKEN IN MODERATION.
Narration: HOWEVER, THE NAME OF THIS "SOCIALIST REALISM" AS THE ACCEPTABLE ART FORM ALSO... JUST... YOU WOULD THINK THAT IF EVER A SPACE STATION HARBORED A PAINTING OF A NAKED WOMAN AND A COWBOY ON A WHITE HORSE, IT WOULD'VE BECOME SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Narration: ALL THESE NAKED COWBOY PICTURES, BUT NONE OF THEM ARE THE EXACT ONE I WANT!
Narration: IN FACT, WE FOUND ONLY ONE OTHER MENTION OF THE PAINTING, FROM A COSMONAUT CRYPTIC EARLIER ENTRY IN LEBEDEV'S DIARY HE TRANSCRIBES FROM A LETTER DELIVERED VIA A WEEKLY SHIPMENT.
Letter quote: "Sveta told me about your painting of a cowboy. She said she liked the horse better."
Narration: SVETA IS ALMOST CERTAINLY SVETLANA SAVITSKAYA, WHO COULD'VE SEEN THE PAINTING WHEN SHE SPENT A WEEK ABOARD SALYUT-7.
Narration: THE SUGGESTS AT LEAST THAT THE PAINTING WASN'T A ONE-TIME FEVER DREAM, BUT TWO MENTIONS FROM A SPACE STATION THAT NO LONGER EXISTS IS PRETTY THIN. SO WE DECIDED TO PRESS FORWARD IN PURSUIT OF THE MYSTERY.
Narration: HAVE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE RESEARCHING INTERNATIONAL SPACE LAW?
Kelly: I HAVE MANY INTERESTS!
Narration: WE REACHED OUT TO SPACE ARCHAEOLOGIST DR. JUSTIN WALSH.
Dr. Justin Walsh: ...
(caption near Walsh): Associate Professor of Art History and Archaeology, and the guy who literally does this for a living
Narration: HE AND HIS COLLABORATORS COLLECT AND ANALYZE MEDIA FROM SPACE STATIONS DURING THE SPACE AGE. WE FIGURED, SURELY, IF THERE WERE LOTS OF PICTURES ON THE SPACE STATION...
Narration: PICTURES ON THE SPACE STATION.
(three small portrait photos labeled): Rurutu / Lenin / Gagarin / Lebedev (one labeled "Lebedev?") and a yellow "?" panel
Narration: JUSTIN GAINED TONS OF PICTURES VIA EMAIL, BUT NONE WERE EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT LEBEDEV DESCRIBED.
Dr. Walsh (quote): "...the painting you are asking about was not in any photos we have seen of Salyut-7."
Narration: A FIRST REQUEST FOR MORE INFO PRODUCED 15,000 IMPRESSIONS BUT ZERO LEADS.
Narration: YOU'RE REGARDING SPACE FINANCE, FUKERS RIGHT? YOU'RE ALWAYS READING THOSE SPACE-INDUSTRY ANALYSES, RIGHT?
Kelly: NYYYY!!
Narration: FINALLY, THROUGH CHANNELS WE WILL SAY NOTHING MORE ABOUT, WE GOT ONE DEGREE AWAY FROM LEBEDEV HIMSELF.
Narration: YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET ALL THE WAY TO HIM AND ASK ABOUT THE HORSE PAINTING ARE YOU?
Kelly: THE ONLY WAY TO HAVE PEACE IS THE TRUTH.
Narration: I WENT POORLY.
Kelly thought: APPRENTLY! WHAT DO I WANT TO ASK COSMONAUT LEBEDEV? WELL... I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT PAINTING. THE ONE WITH A NAKED WOMAN, AND THERE'S A GUN TIED TO A HORSE, NEAR... HELLO? ...HELLO? APPRENTLY!
Narration: SO WHAT WAS THE FATE OF THIS MASTERPIECE? WE MAY NEVER KNOW.
Narration: LEBEDEV COULD'VE TAKEN IT HOME AFTER HIS 211 DAYS.
Lebedev: WE MUST PRESERVE YOU FOR THE MOTHERLAND.
Narration: OR SOMEONE ELSE COULD HAVE TAKEN IT WHEN LATER COSMONAUTS VISITED SALYUT-7 TO SALVAGE EQUIPMENT FOR THE NEXT STATION.
Figure: BRING BACK ONLY WHAT IS PRICELESS!
Narration: OR PERHAPS IT REMAINED IN ORBIT, SPINNING UP IN THE ATMOSPHERE WHEN SALYUT-7 DEORBITED IN 1991, SPREADING ITS EQUESTRIAN GLORY OVER THE EARTH FOR ALL TIME.
Narration (final wrap): WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE BOOK IS A SPACE SCIENCE, SPACE LAW, AND SPACE POLITICS, NOT, YOU KNOW, THIS SORT OF THING.
Kelly: BUY OUR BOOK!
Kelly (book cover): A CITY ON MARS
Kelly: AND IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE PAINTING YOU HAVE GOT TO EMAIL ME NOW!
Footnote: *Until you get the wrong impression; most of the book is space science, space law, and space politics, not, you know, this sort of thing.
Votey: WE CAN DO THIS, SPACE-PALS! WE CAN SOLVE THIS EROTIC EQUINE MYSTERY!
Subtitle: A WEIRD SPACE STORY, COURTESY EARLY BUYERS OF A CITY ON MARS
By KELLY & ZACH WEINERSMITH (CLICK FOR MORE INFO)
Narration: MUCH OF OUR RESEARCH ON A CITY ON MARS WE READ A TON OF MEMOIRS, MOST ENGLISH-LANGUAGE SPACE MEMOIRS, BUT WE'RE PARTICULARLY INTERESTED IN ONE PERSON ESPECIALLY INTERESTED IN OUR PERSPECTIVE.
Narration: VALENTIN LEBEDEV IS KNOWN FOR HIS RECORD-BREAKING 211 DAYS IN ORBIT IN 1982 ABOARD SALYUT-7 SPACE STATION AND THE BRUTALLY HONEST DIARY HE KEPT ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE.
Lebedev (man speaking): "Diary of a Cosmonaut, Day or So"
Narration: THE FIRST HALF IS PRETTY INTERESTING, EVEN POETIC. HE TALKS ABOUT DIFFICULTY GETTING ALONG WITH ONE OTHER PERSON IN A TINY SPACE AND HE GETS FAIRLY DEPRESSED AT ONE POINT.
Narration: BUT AS THE BOOK WEARS ON YOU CAN TELL HE JUST IS NO LONGER PUTTING IN THE WORK. ENTIRE DAYS OR PUTTING IN SINGLE-SENTENCE ENTRIES. HE'S BORED. YOU'RE BORED.
Narration: UNTIL NOVEMBER 26TH. WE 200TH DAY IN SPACE, WHEN YOU READ THE WEIRDEST PARAGRAPH EVER PRINTED IN ANY SPACE MEMOIR.
Narration: BY THE WAY, WE HAVE A VERY NICE PICTURE HANGING ON THE WALL OF OUR STATION. IT WAS PAINTED BY THE FELLOWS WHO BUILT THE STATION. I FIND IT REFLECTS OUR LIFE ON BOARD PERFECTLY. IT SHOWS A FEARSOME COWBOY TIED TO A CROSS, A NAKED WOMAN STANDING NEARBY ON A WHITE HORSE. IN THE COWBOY'S HAND A REVOLVER, ITS BARREL POINTED AT THE WOMAN, MENACING HER WITH A SEARING LOOK. IN THE BACKGROUND STANDS THE STATION'S BLOCKHOUSE FROM TEN MILES, BECAUSE THAT WAS, FOR US, THE OUTER SPACE BEYOND.
Narration: IN CASE, THAT'S HARD TO VISUALIZE, HERE'S A DIAGRAM USING STICK FIGURES.
(stick-figure diagram of a crucified cowboy, a naked woman on a horse, and a small building)
Narration: SO NAIVE WE HERE NEITHER OF US HAD EVER READ ANYTHING THAT FEATURED OUTER SPACE VISUAL EROTICA INVOLVING HORSES, AND THERE REALLY HAVE THIS EXTENSIVE RESEARCH...
Kelly: I MUST KNOW MORE.
Narration: OUTER SPACE VISUAL EROTICA FEATURING HORSES, AND DON'T REALLY HAVE THIS EXTENSIVE RESEARCH.
Kelly: I MUST KNOW MORE.
Narration: ON THE ONE HAND, THE STORY HAS SOMEWHAT FAMILIAR, RUSSIAN SPACE STATIONS WERE CONSIDERABLY MORE PERMISSIVE THAN TODAY'S INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION - SPACE STATION ART WAS A KNOWN THING, AND SOME OUTER SPACE PORN VIDEOS WERE TAKEN IN MODERATION.
Narration: HOWEVER, THE NAME OF THIS "SOCIALIST REALISM" AS THE ACCEPTABLE ART FORM ALSO... JUST... YOU WOULD THINK THAT IF EVER A SPACE STATION HARBORED A PAINTING OF A NAKED WOMAN AND A COWBOY ON A WHITE HORSE, IT WOULD'VE BECOME SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Narration: ALL THESE NAKED COWBOY PICTURES, BUT NONE OF THEM ARE THE EXACT ONE I WANT!
Narration: IN FACT, WE FOUND ONLY ONE OTHER MENTION OF THE PAINTING, FROM A COSMONAUT CRYPTIC EARLIER ENTRY IN LEBEDEV'S DIARY HE TRANSCRIBES FROM A LETTER DELIVERED VIA A WEEKLY SHIPMENT.
Letter quote: "Sveta told me about your painting of a cowboy. She said she liked the horse better."
Narration: SVETA IS ALMOST CERTAINLY SVETLANA SAVITSKAYA, WHO COULD'VE SEEN THE PAINTING WHEN SHE SPENT A WEEK ABOARD SALYUT-7.
Narration: THE SUGGESTS AT LEAST THAT THE PAINTING WASN'T A ONE-TIME FEVER DREAM, BUT TWO MENTIONS FROM A SPACE STATION THAT NO LONGER EXISTS IS PRETTY THIN. SO WE DECIDED TO PRESS FORWARD IN PURSUIT OF THE MYSTERY.
Narration: HAVE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE RESEARCHING INTERNATIONAL SPACE LAW?
Kelly: I HAVE MANY INTERESTS!
Narration: WE REACHED OUT TO SPACE ARCHAEOLOGIST DR. JUSTIN WALSH.
Dr. Justin Walsh: ...
(caption near Walsh): Associate Professor of Art History and Archaeology, and the guy who literally does this for a living
Narration: HE AND HIS COLLABORATORS COLLECT AND ANALYZE MEDIA FROM SPACE STATIONS DURING THE SPACE AGE. WE FIGURED, SURELY, IF THERE WERE LOTS OF PICTURES ON THE SPACE STATION...
Narration: PICTURES ON THE SPACE STATION.
(three small portrait photos labeled): Rurutu / Lenin / Gagarin / Lebedev (one labeled "Lebedev?") and a yellow "?" panel
Narration: JUSTIN GAINED TONS OF PICTURES VIA EMAIL, BUT NONE WERE EVEN CLOSE TO WHAT LEBEDEV DESCRIBED.
Dr. Walsh (quote): "...the painting you are asking about was not in any photos we have seen of Salyut-7."
Narration: A FIRST REQUEST FOR MORE INFO PRODUCED 15,000 IMPRESSIONS BUT ZERO LEADS.
Narration: YOU'RE REGARDING SPACE FINANCE, FUKERS RIGHT? YOU'RE ALWAYS READING THOSE SPACE-INDUSTRY ANALYSES, RIGHT?
Kelly: NYYYY!!
Narration: FINALLY, THROUGH CHANNELS WE WILL SAY NOTHING MORE ABOUT, WE GOT ONE DEGREE AWAY FROM LEBEDEV HIMSELF.
Narration: YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET ALL THE WAY TO HIM AND ASK ABOUT THE HORSE PAINTING ARE YOU?
Kelly: THE ONLY WAY TO HAVE PEACE IS THE TRUTH.
Narration: I WENT POORLY.
Kelly thought: APPRENTLY! WHAT DO I WANT TO ASK COSMONAUT LEBEDEV? WELL... I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT PAINTING. THE ONE WITH A NAKED WOMAN, AND THERE'S A GUN TIED TO A HORSE, NEAR... HELLO? ...HELLO? APPRENTLY!
Narration: SO WHAT WAS THE FATE OF THIS MASTERPIECE? WE MAY NEVER KNOW.
Narration: LEBEDEV COULD'VE TAKEN IT HOME AFTER HIS 211 DAYS.
Lebedev: WE MUST PRESERVE YOU FOR THE MOTHERLAND.
Narration: OR SOMEONE ELSE COULD HAVE TAKEN IT WHEN LATER COSMONAUTS VISITED SALYUT-7 TO SALVAGE EQUIPMENT FOR THE NEXT STATION.
Figure: BRING BACK ONLY WHAT IS PRICELESS!
Narration: OR PERHAPS IT REMAINED IN ORBIT, SPINNING UP IN THE ATMOSPHERE WHEN SALYUT-7 DEORBITED IN 1991, SPREADING ITS EQUESTRIAN GLORY OVER THE EARTH FOR ALL TIME.
Narration (final wrap): WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE BOOK IS A SPACE SCIENCE, SPACE LAW, AND SPACE POLITICS, NOT, YOU KNOW, THIS SORT OF THING.
Kelly: BUY OUR BOOK!
Kelly (book cover): A CITY ON MARS
Kelly: AND IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE PAINTING YOU HAVE GOT TO EMAIL ME NOW!
Footnote: *Until you get the wrong impression; most of the book is space science, space law, and space politics, not, you know, this sort of thing.
Votey: WE CAN DO THIS, SPACE-PALS! WE CAN SOLVE THIS EROTIC EQUINE MYSTERY!
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic titled "THE PAINTING," subtitled "A weird space story, courtesy early buyers of A CITY ON MARS," by Kelly & Zach Weinersmith. In illustrated panels alternating with narration, the comic recounts the authors' real research obsession. Cosmonaut Valentin Lebedev set a record of 211 days aboard the Salyut-7 space station in 1982 and kept a candid diary. The narration explains that on his 200th day in space he wrote a bizarre paragraph describing a painting hanging on the station wall: a fearsome cowboy tied to a cross, a naked woman standing nearby on a white horse, the cowboy aiming a revolver at her, with the station's blockhouse visible ten miles off as their idea of outer space. A panel shows a crude stick-figure diagram of this scene: a crucified cowboy, a naked woman on a horse, and a small building. The Weinersmiths (drawn as a woman, Kelly, with brown hair, increasingly wild-eyed and obsessed) try to track down the painting: they note Russian stations were more permissive about art and porn than the ISS, find a second cryptic diary mention (a letter quote: "Sveta told me about your painting of a cowboy. She said she liked the horse better"), and contact space archaeologist Dr. Justin Walsh, who finds nothing matching it in Salyut-7 photos. Small portrait panels show cosmonauts (Rurutu, Lenin, Gagarin, Lebedev) and a yellow question-mark panel. Kelly's husband keeps reminding her she's supposed to be researching international space law; she insists "I have many interests!" and "I must know more." She even reaches one degree from Lebedev himself, but the phone call goes nowhere ("...hello? ...hello?"). The comic speculates on the painting's fate: taken home, salvaged by later cosmonauts ("Bring back only what is priceless!"), or burned up when Salyut-7 deorbited in 1991, "spreading its equestrian glory over the Earth for all time." It ends with Kelly hawking the book A CITY ON MARS and begging, "if you know anything about the painting you have got to email me NOW!" A footnote clarifies the book is mostly real space science, law, and politics. The votey is a handwritten panel reading: "WE CAN DO THIS, SPACE-PALS! WE CAN SOLVE THIS EROTIC EQUINE MYSTERY!" framed in a wobbly drawn border.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.