compress
Original: compress on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Green alien (in a UFO, beaming down a tractor beam): ALIENS! HAVE YOU COME TO KILL US?
Alien: NO. WE'RE HERE TO SAVE YOU!
Panel 2:
Woman (with flame-like red/orange hair): WELL, STRICTLY SPEAKING, BOTH.
Panel 3:
Alien: WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A PERFECT SNAPSHOT OF YOUR CIVILIZATION. ITS LANGUAGE, THIS CRYSTAL, THEN ZOOM, POISON GAS.
Woman: WHY NOW?
Panel 4:
Alien: YOU GOT MORE COMPRESSIBLE.
Panel 5:
Alien: 100 YEARS AGO IT WAS ALL MOM AND POP SHOPS AND RESTAURANTS AND HAND-MADE STUFF. NOW, MOST OF YOUR PRODUCTS AND SERVICES, EVEN YOUR SPEECH AND BELIEFS, ARE STANDARDIZED. THE OLD ZIPPED VERSION OF YOUR CULTURE COMPRESSES REALLY WELL.
Panel 6:
Woman (defiant, arms spread): I'M GONNA DO THINGS MY OWN WAY! I'M GOING TO OWN MY INDEPENDENCE! I'M AN UNFILL BATTLE, BUT THIS IS WHERE I MAKE MY STAND!
Alien: SEE, EVERY ONE OF THOSE PHRASES EXISTS IN OUR REGISTRY OF COMMONLY USED HUMAN UTTERANCES. HAVING LOOKED THROUGH YOUR POLITICAL AND SPIRITUAL OPINIONS, I CAN GET YOU DOWN TO PRECISELY 47 BITS.
Panel 7:
Woman (deflated): MAYBE ONE MORE BIT IF YOU CAN APPRECIATE AN INTERESTING DEATH.
Alien: WILL I?
Woman: NAH.
Votey:
Speech bubble (pointing to a small dog-like / blobby creature): YOU AND THAT PERSON YOU HATE ON FACEBOOK ARE SO SIMILAR THAT WE CAN TREAT YOU AS A SINGLE IDIOT.
Green alien (in a UFO, beaming down a tractor beam): ALIENS! HAVE YOU COME TO KILL US?
Alien: NO. WE'RE HERE TO SAVE YOU!
Panel 2:
Woman (with flame-like red/orange hair): WELL, STRICTLY SPEAKING, BOTH.
Panel 3:
Alien: WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A PERFECT SNAPSHOT OF YOUR CIVILIZATION. ITS LANGUAGE, THIS CRYSTAL, THEN ZOOM, POISON GAS.
Woman: WHY NOW?
Panel 4:
Alien: YOU GOT MORE COMPRESSIBLE.
Panel 5:
Alien: 100 YEARS AGO IT WAS ALL MOM AND POP SHOPS AND RESTAURANTS AND HAND-MADE STUFF. NOW, MOST OF YOUR PRODUCTS AND SERVICES, EVEN YOUR SPEECH AND BELIEFS, ARE STANDARDIZED. THE OLD ZIPPED VERSION OF YOUR CULTURE COMPRESSES REALLY WELL.
Panel 6:
Woman (defiant, arms spread): I'M GONNA DO THINGS MY OWN WAY! I'M GOING TO OWN MY INDEPENDENCE! I'M AN UNFILL BATTLE, BUT THIS IS WHERE I MAKE MY STAND!
Alien: SEE, EVERY ONE OF THOSE PHRASES EXISTS IN OUR REGISTRY OF COMMONLY USED HUMAN UTTERANCES. HAVING LOOKED THROUGH YOUR POLITICAL AND SPIRITUAL OPINIONS, I CAN GET YOU DOWN TO PRECISELY 47 BITS.
Panel 7:
Woman (deflated): MAYBE ONE MORE BIT IF YOU CAN APPRECIATE AN INTERESTING DEATH.
Alien: WILL I?
Woman: NAH.
Votey:
Speech bubble (pointing to a small dog-like / blobby creature): YOU AND THAT PERSON YOU HATE ON FACEBOOK ARE SO SIMILAR THAT WE CAN TREAT YOU AS A SINGLE IDIOT.
Alt text
A green humanoid alien hovers in a UFO above a red-haired woman. The woman asks if the aliens have come to kill them; the alien says no, they're here to save them, then clarifies it's actually both. The alien explains they are going to take a perfect snapshot of human civilization and then kill everyone with poison gas. When she asks why now, the alien says humanity 'got more compressible' — 100 years ago everything was mom-and-pop shops and handmade goods, but now products, services, speech, and beliefs are all standardized, so human culture compresses really well. The woman defiantly spreads her arms and declares she'll do things her own way and make her stand. The alien replies that every phrase she just said already exists in their registry of common human utterances, and that after reviewing her political and spiritual opinions it can compress her down to precisely 47 bits. Deflated, she offers one more bit if they'd appreciate an interesting death; the alien asks 'Will I?' and she answers 'Nah.' Votey (bonus panel): a small blobby creature lies on the ground while a speech bubble says, 'You and that person you hate on Facebook are so similar that we can treat you as a single idiot.'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.