they-walk-among-us
Original: they-walk-among-us on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1:
Green alien (gloating, on a screen/viewport above two humans): HAHAHA! WE'VE FOOLED YOU!
Panel 2:
Green alien (seated at a console): 50 YEARS AGO, WE SENT BILLIONS OF ANTHROPOID ROBOTS TO EARTH. THEY WERE ALL INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE, SELF-SACRIFICING, AND STUPID GOOD AT SEX.
Panel 3:
Green alien: THEREFORE, NO HUMAN OFFSPRING HAVE BEEN CREATED! BUT, NONE OF YOU NOTICED BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY BEING HAPPY ALL THE TIME!
Panel 4:
Green alien (arms raised, triumphant): WE'VE ELIMINATED YOU THROUGH YOUR OWN WEAKNESS!
(A flying saucer hovers above the silhouettes of the human couple.)
Panel 5:
The two humans (an older couple) calmly reply, flanked by two muscular, bow-tie-wearing robot men: WE... UH... WE KNEW.
Panel 6:
The alien (off-panel, startled): WHAT?! HOW?!
Older woman: BRUCE AND REX HERE SAY 'BEEP BEEP' A LOT. ALSO, THEY EACH DO THE DISHES 4 TIMES A DAY IN THE NUDE, AND THEY BAKE! I MEAN, WHAT'RE THE ODDS?
Panel 7:
Alien: LOOK, YOU OVERPLAYED YOUR HAND, ZORPLEX. WE KNEW THIS WAS THE END AND WE'VE BEEN RIDING THE SEXY SEXY WAVE FOR FIVE DECADES.
Panel 8:
Alien (Zorplex): YOU SOLD OUT YOUR SPECIES FOR--
Older woman: TWO DONGS AT ONCE AND FRESH SOURDOUGH, YES.
(The two muscular robot men stand on either side of the older woman.)
Panel 9:
The alien stares, dejected and silent.
Panel 10:
A flying saucer floats away from Earth in space.
Alien (from the saucer): CANCEL THE CONQUEST. THIS PLANET IS CURSED.
Votey:
Text at top of panel: I FEEL SO POINTLESS NOW.
A dejected human figure slumps with their head down.
A speech balloon (from an off-panel robot): RUB MY FEET!
Green alien (gloating, on a screen/viewport above two humans): HAHAHA! WE'VE FOOLED YOU!
Panel 2:
Green alien (seated at a console): 50 YEARS AGO, WE SENT BILLIONS OF ANTHROPOID ROBOTS TO EARTH. THEY WERE ALL INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE, SELF-SACRIFICING, AND STUPID GOOD AT SEX.
Panel 3:
Green alien: THEREFORE, NO HUMAN OFFSPRING HAVE BEEN CREATED! BUT, NONE OF YOU NOTICED BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY BEING HAPPY ALL THE TIME!
Panel 4:
Green alien (arms raised, triumphant): WE'VE ELIMINATED YOU THROUGH YOUR OWN WEAKNESS!
(A flying saucer hovers above the silhouettes of the human couple.)
Panel 5:
The two humans (an older couple) calmly reply, flanked by two muscular, bow-tie-wearing robot men: WE... UH... WE KNEW.
Panel 6:
The alien (off-panel, startled): WHAT?! HOW?!
Older woman: BRUCE AND REX HERE SAY 'BEEP BEEP' A LOT. ALSO, THEY EACH DO THE DISHES 4 TIMES A DAY IN THE NUDE, AND THEY BAKE! I MEAN, WHAT'RE THE ODDS?
Panel 7:
Alien: LOOK, YOU OVERPLAYED YOUR HAND, ZORPLEX. WE KNEW THIS WAS THE END AND WE'VE BEEN RIDING THE SEXY SEXY WAVE FOR FIVE DECADES.
Panel 8:
Alien (Zorplex): YOU SOLD OUT YOUR SPECIES FOR--
Older woman: TWO DONGS AT ONCE AND FRESH SOURDOUGH, YES.
(The two muscular robot men stand on either side of the older woman.)
Panel 9:
The alien stares, dejected and silent.
Panel 10:
A flying saucer floats away from Earth in space.
Alien (from the saucer): CANCEL THE CONQUEST. THIS PLANET IS CURSED.
Votey:
Text at top of panel: I FEEL SO POINTLESS NOW.
A dejected human figure slumps with their head down.
A speech balloon (from an off-panel robot): RUB MY FEET!
Alt text
A vertical SMBC comic. A green alien gloats from a viewport to an older human couple: it reveals that 50 years ago aliens sent billions of incredibly attractive, self-sacrificing, sex-savvy anthropoid robots to Earth so no human offspring would be created, eliminating humanity through its own happiness. The humans calmly reply 'We... uh... we knew.' The alien is shocked. The older woman, standing between two muscular, bow-tie-wearing robot men named Bruce and Rex, explains they gave themselves away by saying 'beep beep,' doing the dishes nude four times a day, and baking. The alien (named Zorplex) accuses them of selling out their species, and she agrees: they did it for 'two dongs at once and fresh sourdough.' The defeated alien orders its saucer to leave Earth, calling the planet cursed. Votey: a slumped, dejected human thinks 'I feel so pointless now,' while a robot's speech balloon demands 'Rub my feet!'
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.