2012-07-14
Original: 2012-07-14 on Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Transcript
Panel 1 (caption): HUMAN BEINGS DID NOT HAVE FREE WILL.
Image: a crowd of glum-looking people staring forward.
Panel 2 (caption): WE WERE TOO MACROSCOPIC TO ACCESS QUANTUM RANDOMNESS, SO WE DIDN'T MEET SUFFICIENT CONDITIONS FOR DETERMINISTIC CHOICES.
Image: a line graph. Y-axis labeled SIZE, X-axis labeled RANDOMNESS, with a downward-sloping red line. An arrow labeled HUMAN BEINGS points to the line.
Panel 3 (caption): UNTIL WE BUILT A MACHINE THAT GAVE US ACCESS TO THE SMALLER LEVEL.
A woman holding up a small vial: IT RANDOMLY EMITS PARTICLES THAT SCRAMBLE SOME NEURON ACTIVITY, MAKING YOUR CHOICES CEASE TO BE PRE-DETERMINED.
Panel 4 (caption): THE USERS DIDN'T FEEL ANY DIFFERENT.
First person: I HAVE FREE WILL!
Second person: THAT'S NICE. I STILL NEED YOU TO SCRUB ALL THE LAVATORIES IN THE PRISON COMPLEX.
Panel 5 (caption): BUT THERE WAS AN IMPORTANT PHILOSOPHICAL DISTINCTION.
A man: WHOA, WAIT! I DIDN'T ROB A BANK! I DIDN'T HAVE A QUANTUM ACCESS CHIP SO I HAD NO CHOICE!
Other person: OKAY, BUT WHY THE LACK OF PANTS?
Panel 6: IT ALL STARTS WITH THE QUANTUM CONDITIONS OF THE UNIVERSE.
Panel 7 (caption): THE PHILOSOPHICAL DISTINCTION LED TO A POLITICAL ONE.
A person at a podium: THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN BE BLAMED FOR BAD THINGS ARE Q.A.C. USERS! THEREFORE ALL BAD THINGS MUST BE THEIR FAULT!
Panel 8 (caption): THE REVOLUTION WAS SWIFT AND BRUTAL.
A man holding a knife: DEATH TO THE FREE WILLERS! THEY HAVE DROWNED THE WORLD IN SORROW!
A caged figure: OKAY, BUT WHY THE LACK OF PANTS?
The man: THE RANDOM MOTION OF ATOMS IN MY BODY.
Panel 9 (caption): HUMAN BEINGS NO LONGER HAVE FREE WILL.
First person: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE KILLED ALL OF THE QUANTUM SCIENTISTS.
Second person: WHO'S THIS "WE"?
Votey: A thought bubble reads: THIS IDEA IS TOO HEAVY. BETTER TAKE OFF SOMEONE'S PANTS. Below it, a bearded man (the cartoonist) sits at a drawing desk holding a pen.
Image: a crowd of glum-looking people staring forward.
Panel 2 (caption): WE WERE TOO MACROSCOPIC TO ACCESS QUANTUM RANDOMNESS, SO WE DIDN'T MEET SUFFICIENT CONDITIONS FOR DETERMINISTIC CHOICES.
Image: a line graph. Y-axis labeled SIZE, X-axis labeled RANDOMNESS, with a downward-sloping red line. An arrow labeled HUMAN BEINGS points to the line.
Panel 3 (caption): UNTIL WE BUILT A MACHINE THAT GAVE US ACCESS TO THE SMALLER LEVEL.
A woman holding up a small vial: IT RANDOMLY EMITS PARTICLES THAT SCRAMBLE SOME NEURON ACTIVITY, MAKING YOUR CHOICES CEASE TO BE PRE-DETERMINED.
Panel 4 (caption): THE USERS DIDN'T FEEL ANY DIFFERENT.
First person: I HAVE FREE WILL!
Second person: THAT'S NICE. I STILL NEED YOU TO SCRUB ALL THE LAVATORIES IN THE PRISON COMPLEX.
Panel 5 (caption): BUT THERE WAS AN IMPORTANT PHILOSOPHICAL DISTINCTION.
A man: WHOA, WAIT! I DIDN'T ROB A BANK! I DIDN'T HAVE A QUANTUM ACCESS CHIP SO I HAD NO CHOICE!
Other person: OKAY, BUT WHY THE LACK OF PANTS?
Panel 6: IT ALL STARTS WITH THE QUANTUM CONDITIONS OF THE UNIVERSE.
Panel 7 (caption): THE PHILOSOPHICAL DISTINCTION LED TO A POLITICAL ONE.
A person at a podium: THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN BE BLAMED FOR BAD THINGS ARE Q.A.C. USERS! THEREFORE ALL BAD THINGS MUST BE THEIR FAULT!
Panel 8 (caption): THE REVOLUTION WAS SWIFT AND BRUTAL.
A man holding a knife: DEATH TO THE FREE WILLERS! THEY HAVE DROWNED THE WORLD IN SORROW!
A caged figure: OKAY, BUT WHY THE LACK OF PANTS?
The man: THE RANDOM MOTION OF ATOMS IN MY BODY.
Panel 9 (caption): HUMAN BEINGS NO LONGER HAVE FREE WILL.
First person: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE KILLED ALL OF THE QUANTUM SCIENTISTS.
Second person: WHO'S THIS "WE"?
Votey: A thought bubble reads: THIS IDEA IS TOO HEAVY. BETTER TAKE OFF SOMEONE'S PANTS. Below it, a bearded man (the cartoonist) sits at a drawing desk holding a pen.
Alt text
A tall multi-panel SMBC comic about free will and quantum randomness. Caption: "Human beings did not have free will." A crowd of glum people. Caption explains they were too macroscopic to access quantum randomness; a graph plots SIZE against RANDOMNESS with a downward red line and an arrow labeled HUMAN BEINGS. Caption: "Until we built a machine that gave us access to the smaller level." A woman holds a vial: it randomly emits particles that scramble neuron activity so choices cease to be pre-determined. "The users didn't feel any different": one says "I have free will!" and is told "That's nice. I still need you to scrub all the lavatories in the prison complex." "But there was an important philosophical distinction": a prisoner protests "Whoa, wait! I didn't rob a bank! I didn't have a quantum access chip so I had no choice!" and is asked "Okay, but why the lack of pants?" "It all starts with the quantum conditions of the universe." "The philosophical distinction led to a political one": a podium speaker says only Q.A.C. users can be blamed for bad things, therefore all bad things must be their fault. "The revolution was swift and brutal": a man with a knife yells "Death to the free willers! They have drowned the world in sorrow!"; a caged figure asks "Okay, but why the lack of pants?" and he answers "The random motion of atoms in my body." Final caption: "Human beings no longer have free will." One person says "I can't believe we killed all of the quantum scientists," and another replies "Who's this 'we'?" Votey: a thought bubble says "This idea is too heavy. Better take off someone's pants," above a bearded cartoonist at a drawing desk.
Transcribed by Claude Opus 4.8.